While sitting in my hotel room today wathcing Japanimation cartoons dubbed in Italian, I started wishing for Cartoon Network. No dice. So instead, I decided to create a top 5 list of my favorite cartoon characters. However, 5 was not enough, so I bumped it to 10. I can do that, since I have plenty of time.
Here they are in order of world importance:
10) George Jetson - Man of the future. Dorky son, hot daughter, prick for a boss, but George has a flying car. Only guy on the list with a flying car. Space Ghost has a space ship, which is altogether different.
9) He-Man - Cool guy with a great posse that included Battle Cat, Man-at-Arms, Teela and Man-E-Faces. Skeletor was a bad mofo as an arch-enemy, and had the coolest hideout in Castle Greyskull.
8) Johnny Bravo - Manly man who is a touch egomaniacal. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
7) Shaggy - Only character on this list who was constantly stoned, and talked to a dog. Would be "higher" on the list if he bagged one of the two chicks, Daphne or Velma, that rolled with him and Fred. However, there's nothing wrong with getting baked and hanging out with the Harlem Globetrotters, Don Knotts and Janis Joplin.
6) Smurfette - Only chick to make the list. Created in Gargamel's lab, in order to somehow screw over Brainy, Papa Smurf and company. She lived in a shroom, but was still three apples tall, and had blonde hair. Not sure how she wasn't constantly getting filled out like an application, but that would have taken the Smurfs off of the Saturday morning cartoon rotation.
5) Barney Rubble - This super-fly mofo had it all: A hot wife, a cool car, a son in Bamm-Bam mthat was as strong as Superman, and a big dumb off of a buddy in Fred Flintstone. Those two crazy, pre-historic crackers would hang with the Great Gazoo, got wasted at the Royal Order of Water Buffalo, and killed hookers on Tuesday nights.
4) Eric Cartman - Fattest member of the list. Stupid, racist, insensitive, fat little prick who makes South Park the funniest cartoon on TV today. Has some of the best lines of any character in the past 10 years of television: "No kitty, that's my pot pie!" "Repsect my authority." "You get your bitch ass back in the kitchen and make me some pot pie." Well said.
3) Homer J. Simpson - The world's best TV father, or the explanation why so many people think that it is okay to drive drunk and beat your kids. Loves doughnuts and Duff Beer, the Springfield Isotopes and stealing shit from Flanders.
2) Space Ghost - Super Hero or Talk-Show Host? Who says he can't be both?! This super-nizzle has the coolest talk show in the Galaxy with Moltar running things from behind the scenes as the Herr Director, Zorak leading the Way Outs, and Brak just is around for no real reason. The Ghost has interviewed some of the most cooler people of the past 20 years: Michael Stipe, Steven Wright, Conan O'Brien, Björk, Kevin Smith, Matt Groening, The Ramones, Jim Carrey and Jon Stewart. Can't be faded.
1) Beavis - Before there was South Park, there was Beavis and Butt-Head. Two losers who just wanted to get laid, watch videos, eat nachos and set FIRE to stuff. Wanted to bang Lolita and Tanqueray, but usually just got their ass kicked by Todd. This was the best show on TV in the early 90's. They made fun of stupid videos and did nothing all day but make fun of Stewart and screw with Mr. Anderson.
While Butt-Head was the brains of the pair, Beavis was the colon. The Great Cornholio was classic; with terrific lines as "I need tee-pee for my bunghole" and "Are you threatening me?" A true American hero.
Honorable Mentions go to: Yosemite Sam, Optimus Prime, Snake Eyes and Bender.
